Why do words get put on paper at moments of despair?
When it’s a race between the ink and the tears
to transfer their essence to the page?
Aren’t the giddy moments to be memorialized?
Isn’t delight worthy of choice phrases?
True elation – a moment in time
when your heart could burst and spill the joy
as far as the edges of your universe.
Fragments of time to be savored
And later reviewed with fresh pleasure.
With deepest meaning of their own
and needing no embellishment
to sparkle in the gloom of winter
to keep you company with warmth engendered
from treasured artifacts.
Happiness is not simply the absence of pain
It is a balance of accepting what is
while maintaining a tenuous grip on what could be
of comfort in your true persona
of knowing how to love.
And when, combined with long awaited
declarations and promise of new directions
your heart gets to that bursting point
Catharsis is as close as a pen or keyboard
expression venting the swell of feeling.
Preferable to indiscriminate disclosure
The wrong word in the wrong ear
Longer lasting reminder of
an exquisite moment,
part of your special history.
Desolation is now
Desolation is today
Fearing I’ve pushed you away
Cringing from the memory of my written words
The blame was never yours
The fault lies within myself
What good is a gift
if you cut yourself with it?
There is a skill that I sorely lack –
leaving along that which is imperfect,
Driven to smooth the edges
and to whisk the invisible dust.
That imperfect state may house what otherwise can’t exist at all.
Frivolous housekeeping provokes too much unsettling of debris,
exposing that which should not be uncovered –
blinding spotlight on the unacceptable flaw.
What seemed full of clarity
becoming more obscure as layers peeled away
Having long acknowledged the limits imposed
but steadily losing the resolve never fixed.
One thing emerges as unequivocal.
In any form deemed proper
I must have you in my life,
I must know you’re there
Knowing it can never be more
Accepted with stone filled heart many moons ago.
But complex feelings sometimes offer
a wider range of what becomes acceptable.
My panic increasing by the hour
Not just threatened with yet another loss
but the loss of you
No other choice, caring too much.
November 29, 2011
Do you ever feel that peculiar tightness in your throat making you think of suffocation making you catch your breath and all the while the stinging starts behind your eyes and you think damn it not again I’m so sick of crying? Do you ever? Cause I do.
Do you ever feel wetness on your cheeks as you’re driving downtown listening to your ipod playing that song you know you could turn it off but you don’t ‘cause even as the tears fall the pain you feel right now just might be the last time you feel it? Yeah I thought you might. ‘cause I do
Do you ever hold my photo and run your finger over where my cheek meets my lips then you close your eyes and the unbearable weight of reality hits you full in the chest and takes your breath away and a sob escapes and you shake your head and yell at yourself stop it now? You can admit it if that happens to you ‘cause it happens to me every time and like the ipod no one makes me go there but I do there is no force strong enough to stop me and if there exists such a power please help me.
Please numb my senses for at least one day of peace calm no tears no pain if I can’t hear that love song if I can’t see your beautiful face if my breath remains steady and the tears don’t flow just one day of peace .
Do You Ever?
Blaze
Devour me
Like the flames lick the tossed sticks of wood in the glowing corner of the darkened room.
Piece by piece I will become a part of you –
fueling you – taunting you – wanting you – wanting you.
Take me apart, put me back together,
infuse my soul with laughter
with tears
with love
with fear.
with hope
with dreams .
The more I am renewed
the more I will disappear in you.
All my yearnings point me to you –
all my longings –
my entire being aches to hold you in me and be held.
Heal me
Every kiss
each stroke
will bring life and love and wholeness….
The Spirit of the Goddess 