My Shadow Man

stepsTwenty years ago I dreamed of  friends in places we had been together laughing.
I thought that everyone was there but someone was missing I didn’t know who it was just that he was missing.
I thought I spied his shadow and ran up  steps to look but no one was there and I had no explanation for my friends

just that someone was missing I don’t know who I thought I saw his shadow but now it’s disappeared.

A decade ago I dreamed of other friends in other places we had played together laughing and singing songs and everyone was there but someone was missing.
I didn’t know who it was just that he was missing and I couldn’t find him.
my elusive shadow man my dream-time lover.
I ran into the garden thinking I heard his footsteps but no one was there and I was left with a vague yearning for someone I

did not know who he was just that I longed to find him.

Last night I dreamed of you and when I saw your face I knew beyond just knowing  that you were my nameless shadow man the focus of countless dreams always just out of reach.
and now I know who it was that I sought with outstretched arms and longing soul twenty years and a decade ago.
but you and I have never been together laughing or playing or singing songs and you are still missing from my arms but now not from my heart.
now I know who you are that you are real that I have finally found my missing friend.

And with that, a lingering conundrum unexplained phenomenon
We’ve never met but I know you almost better than myself.
We’ve never touched but your presence next to me is as real as the tree outside my window.
We’ve never spoken but I hear your voice throughout the day.
We’ve never kissed but I know the taste of your lips.
You will always be my dream-time lover, my elusive shadow man.

If We Could

This would  be so simple
if I could say it’s been good to know ya hunny and turn my back
and creep  back into my dusty corner.

If it brought you happiness
I would wiggle my nose and disappear… and a tiny butterfly
would land on yours – erasing my memory from the hard drive in your head.

You would be free of me forever
No crazy poet to disturb your tranquility
To tell you how much she loves you and wants you.

 If I could.

Common sense has no role 
as a means to the end
of the uncommon connection between us.

 Busy days with endless details
fail  to crowd out thoughts of you
and the eager anticipation of feeling your presence.

We drift we collide we bide our time
A struggle ongoing, edging toward resolution
Ominous and inevitable 

I cling to the certainty
That this is not yet over
Despite the ought tos, the should haves and the must nots.

 
It is not possible to contain the ephemeral.
The only way to resolve this fantastical dilemma
Is to act out the fantasy and make it real

You won’t be my friend
I won’t be your enemy
But I would be your lover

If you could…

Hope’s Alchemy

It will happen one day,  not tomorrow.
But tomorrow I will close my eyes and
I will embrace the dream not hold it off
With shaking tearful fears and doubts..
Welcoming – opening my arms,
my heart, accepting you into my soul.
And one day,  not tomorrow
but one day before this earth
completes another journey ’round its sun
we will be together
To complete what began with teasing winks and  tempting smiles
–years before –maybe-a hundred years before.
Was there ever a time
you were not known to my heart?

Overcome by powerful feelings,
Unspoken words, unanswered desires
needing hope to perform its alchemy
and turn bitter tears sweet.
With certainty that this feeling echoes and grows
rounded with common caring and desire
Mutual fears matched by shared hopes fuel growing passion.
Dreams are redefined with shape and substance to
mold the doubtful fantasy
Turning ephemeral whimsy
into fiercely wished for reality.
Using all remedy
and means of resource.
One day soon, in this lifetime.

December 22, 2011, revised February 11, 2013

Desolation

Note – I wrote this late November 2011.  The words echo even more meaningfully today.

 

Desolation is now

Desolation is today

Fearing I’ve pushed you away

Cringing from the memory of my written words

The blame was never yours

The fault lies within myself

What good is a gift

if you cut yourself with it?

 

There is a skill that I sorely lack –

leaving along that which is imperfect,

Driven to smooth the edges

and to whisk the invisible dust.

That imperfect state may house what otherwise can’t exist at all.

Frivolous housekeeping provokes too much unsettling of debris,

exposing that which should not be uncovered –

blinding spotlight on the unacceptable flaw.

 

What seemed full of clarity

becoming more obscure as layers peeled away

Having long acknowledged the limits imposed

but steadily losing the resolve never fixed.

One thing emerges as unequivocal.

In any form deemed proper

I must have you in my life,

I must know you’re there

 

Knowing it can never be more

Accepted with stone filled heart many moons ago.

But complex feelings sometimes offer

a wider range of what becomes acceptable.

My panic increasing by the hour

Not just threatened with yet another loss

but the loss of you

No other choice, caring too much.