Desolation

Desolation is now

Desolation is today

Fearing I’ve pushed you away

Cringing from the memory of my written words

The blame was never yours

The fault lies within myself

What good is a gift

if you cut yourself with it?

 

There is a skill that I sorely lack –

leaving along that which is imperfect,

Driven to smooth the edges

and to whisk the invisible dust.

That imperfect state may house what otherwise can’t exist at all.

Frivolous housekeeping provokes too much unsettling of debris,

exposing that which should not be uncovered –

blinding spotlight on the unacceptable flaw.

 

What seemed full of clarity

becoming more obscure as layers peeled away

Having long acknowledged the limits imposed

but steadily losing the resolve never fixed.

One thing emerges as unequivocal.

In any form deemed proper

I must have you in my life,

I must know you’re there

 

Knowing it can never be more

Accepted with stone filled heart many moons ago.

But complex feelings sometimes offer

a wider range of what becomes acceptable.

My panic increasing by the hour

Not just threatened with yet another loss

but the loss of you

No other choice, caring too much.

 

November 29, 2011

Do You Ever?

Do you ever feel  that peculiar tightness in your throat making you think of suffocation making you catch your breath and all the while the stinging starts behind your eyes and you think damn it not again I’m so sick of crying?  Do you ever?  Cause I do. 

Do you ever feel wetness on your cheeks as you’re driving downtown listening to your ipod playing that song you know you could turn it off but you don’t ‘cause even as the tears fall the pain you feel  right now just might be the last time you feel it?  Yeah I thought you might. ‘cause I do

Do you ever hold my photo and run your finger over where my cheek meets my lips then you close your eyes and the unbearable weight of reality hits you full in the chest and takes your breath away and a sob escapes and you shake your head  and yell at yourself stop it now? You can admit it if that happens to you ‘cause it happens to me every time and like the ipod no one makes me go there but I do there is no force strong enough to stop me and if there exists such a power please help me. 

Please numb my senses for at least one day of peace calm no tears no pain if I can’t hear that love song if I can’t see your  beautiful face if my breath remains steady and the tears don’t flow just one day of peace .  

Do You Ever?