Desolation

Note – I wrote this late November 2011.  The words echo even more meaningfully today.

 

Desolation is now

Desolation is today

Fearing I’ve pushed you away

Cringing from the memory of my written words

The blame was never yours

The fault lies within myself

What good is a gift

if you cut yourself with it?

 

There is a skill that I sorely lack –

leaving along that which is imperfect,

Driven to smooth the edges

and to whisk the invisible dust.

That imperfect state may house what otherwise can’t exist at all.

Frivolous housekeeping provokes too much unsettling of debris,

exposing that which should not be uncovered –

blinding spotlight on the unacceptable flaw.

 

What seemed full of clarity

becoming more obscure as layers peeled away

Having long acknowledged the limits imposed

but steadily losing the resolve never fixed.

One thing emerges as unequivocal.

In any form deemed proper

I must have you in my life,

I must know you’re there

 

Knowing it can never be more

Accepted with stone filled heart many moons ago.

But complex feelings sometimes offer

a wider range of what becomes acceptable.

My panic increasing by the hour

Not just threatened with yet another loss

but the loss of you

No other choice, caring too much.

 

True Friends

I awaken, open my eyes and remember with a sinking feeling

that I won’t be hearing from you today.

You won’t be there to surprise me with a sweet hello.

Such a silly little thing to have been so often the highlight of an otherwise dull day filled with monotonous chores.

Such a silly little thing to miss so fiercely,

but so typical of the you I’ve come to know.

And come to count on to pick me up from the depths and kick my butt and tell me not to be so hard on myself.

Reminding me that life’s too short to be hung up on the little things.

I took it all to heart

Even if you thought I wasn’t listening.

It’s been a hard journey made easier by words like yours,

always timely, ever welcome

 

Open to hearing my woesome tales of loss, of disappointment and grief

Patient with my ranting and tolerant of misplaced anger

You’ve been a constant in a capricious world.

Demonstrating by example the courage to travel your own path

As I was embarking upon my own;

applauding my successes and dishing out heady

doses of lavish praise that stirred my creative spirit.

While I watched you as you tilled the soil of your life’s journey –

Planning your future and showing your devotion to your family.

Always feeling close

Almost a kinship

Certainly one of spirit and harmony.

 

Life is full of surprises and things change.

Inevitably and never according to our timetables

Friendships begin, evolve, and strengthen

And sometimes meet with chaotic forces

that threaten to destroy all the inherent good.

Always being tested by external stresses. we sometimes

create our own distracters unaware of potential for harm.

And when communication is lacking or unclear

or expectations not well defined

we cause hurt without rancor to those we care for most.

Utter spiteful words, throw out hasty accusations,

or fail to explain actions that could be perceived as hostile.

 

Beyond the words, despite the actions

the singular beauty of friendship

can survive or perish

determined by the value placed on it.

The repercussions of this episode will echo

endlessly for this lonely friend

unless some resolution is made possible.

There’s still a lot to do

more hurdles to overcome, more strength needed.

The support, encouragement and admiration of a true friend

Is precious and sometimes even vital.

You are that precious vital friend.

 

Desolation

Desolation is now

Desolation is today

Fearing I’ve pushed you away

Cringing from the memory of my written words

The blame was never yours

The fault lies within myself

What good is a gift

if you cut yourself with it?

 

There is a skill that I sorely lack –

leaving along that which is imperfect,

Driven to smooth the edges

and to whisk the invisible dust.

That imperfect state may house what otherwise can’t exist at all.

Frivolous housekeeping provokes too much unsettling of debris,

exposing that which should not be uncovered –

blinding spotlight on the unacceptable flaw.

 

What seemed full of clarity

becoming more obscure as layers peeled away

Having long acknowledged the limits imposed

but steadily losing the resolve never fixed.

One thing emerges as unequivocal.

In any form deemed proper

I must have you in my life,

I must know you’re there

 

Knowing it can never be more

Accepted with stone filled heart many moons ago.

But complex feelings sometimes offer

a wider range of what becomes acceptable.

My panic increasing by the hour

Not just threatened with yet another loss

but the loss of you

No other choice, caring too much.

 

November 29, 2011