Tag Archives: longing

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Zombieland

Zombieland isn’t half as bad as reputation alludes

The place I have in mind is a mindless boring pit

but looking better by the day

half way there by lunch tomorrow

No more crying jags that last 2 hours

No more disappointments, no more slammed doors

No more ambushed dreams

 

Just a numbing inertia- driven tub of dulled

nerve endings shrouded by molasses thick apathy.

Sight dimmed by dusty cobwebs.

Ears tuned to the ordinary.

Thoughts never straying to dangerous places.

Hopes abandoned.

Sweet thoughts erased.

 

Last flicker dimmed deprived of air

choking on truth afflicted with blindness

what is real, what is imagined

matters not when all is gone forever

many painful losses should have paved the way

for this most hurtful time of all

Abandoned, lost, no more trust to give.

 

Cruel irony played a trick

when blindsided by a passion

never dreamed of feeling

Whimsical fates intervened

upending my ordered world

adding unanswered longings to a

newly wakened sensibility

 

So my friend you see that

Zombieland is meant for one like me

a perfect fit for an imperfect heart

that lost direction while seeking nothing at all.

that lost her mind to the riddles never solved

and handed her soul to a stranger.

now waiting for oblivion.

 

A redo from 2012 

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The Saboteur

DL at nightThe Saboteur

Weeks, months, years passed
First encounter imminent
Impulsive and thoughtless
I undermined it all

Acting on a whim,
no thought to repercussions
driven by a wish to surprise
and a spirit of adventure.

These stated motives
suffer under closer scrutiny.
Did fear direct my actions?
Or an unstated need prevail?

What did I fear?
That the reality of your touch
would fall short of my fantasy?
Or that I would disappoint you?

Predictable fears yet
deep inside I knew
that was not how it would play out
and that scared me to death.

I didn’t know it at the time,
It took some contemplation
soul searching, uncovering truths:
I feared I would never let you go.

That I would fall completely in love
with the reality of you in my arms
and never want to leave your side
and our worlds would turn upside down.

And reality and fantasy would merge
this new world unrecognizable
To either you or me
And ‘though we loved, we would lose our selves.

So we retreat to fantasy
And I still want you
And long for your touch
And am yours for always.

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My Shadow Man

stepsTwenty years ago I dreamed of  friends in places we had been together laughing.
I thought that everyone was there but someone was missing I didn’t know who it was just that he was missing.
I thought I spied his shadow and ran up  steps to look but no one was there and I had no explanation for my friends

just that someone was missing I don’t know who I thought I saw his shadow but now it’s disappeared.

A decade ago I dreamed of other friends in other places we had played together laughing and singing songs and everyone was there but someone was missing.
I didn’t know who it was just that he was missing and I couldn’t find him.
my elusive shadow man my dream-time lover.
I ran into the garden thinking I heard his footsteps but no one was there and I was left with a vague yearning for someone I

did not know who he was just that I longed to find him.

Last night I dreamed of you and when I saw your face I knew beyond just knowing  that you were my nameless shadow man the focus of countless dreams always just out of reach.
and now I know who it was that I sought with outstretched arms and longing soul twenty years and a decade ago.
but you and I have never been together laughing or playing or singing songs and you are still missing from my arms but now not from my heart.
now I know who you are that you are real that I have finally found my missing friend.

And with that, a lingering conundrum unexplained phenomenon
We’ve never met but I know you almost better than myself.
We’ve never touched but your presence next to me is as real as the tree outside my window.
We’ve never spoken but I hear your voice throughout the day.
We’ve never kissed but I know the taste of your lips.
You will always be my dream-time lover, my elusive shadow man.

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Hope’s Alchemy

It will happen one day,  not tomorrow.
But tomorrow I will close my eyes and
I will embrace the dream not hold it off
With shaking tearful fears and doubts..
Welcoming – opening my arms,
my heart, accepting you into my soul.
And one day,  not tomorrow
but one day before this earth
completes another journey ’round its sun
we will be together
To complete what began with teasing winks and  tempting smiles
–years before –maybe-a hundred years before.
Was there ever a time
you were not known to my heart?

Overcome by powerful feelings,
Unspoken words, unanswered desires
needing hope to perform its alchemy
and turn bitter tears sweet.
With certainty that this feeling echoes and grows
rounded with common caring and desire
Mutual fears matched by shared hopes fuel growing passion.
Dreams are redefined with shape and substance to
mold the doubtful fantasy
Turning ephemeral whimsy
into fiercely wished for reality.
Using all remedy
and means of resource.
One day soon, in this lifetime.

December 22, 2011, revised February 11, 2013

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The Lure of the Inevitable – Dedicated to my Muse

The Kiss - Rodin

The space changes.
The feelings swell and take on the shape of a cloud.
And like a cloud they stretch the seams and overwhelm.
They guide my day and rule my night
and as they grow they gain in power
and in purpose and in conviction.

Some things are just inevitable
cannot be thwarted
cannot be stopped
are immune to logic
and profoundly deaf
to pleas of reason.

It’s almost comical
How I struggle to rationalize these emotions
And to cloak them in the respectability of stand-ins for more acceptable thoughts
Not that the underlying history of pain exists in an unrelated realm
But that it stands on its own and heals in its own time
Existing…no, thriving.

Funny how some simple thoughts don’t make it to paper
Much more difficult than to tell you how you turn me on
And how I want to make non stop love with you for 24 hours straight
to f*** until our heads explode
And then again
And again.

I want to kiss every inch of you
and linger where my kisses bring you exquisite pleasure
savoring each moan evoked
by lips intent and eager
fulfill a promise made
let destiny unfold.